Spiderbase, Spiderbase

From the Archive:

May 2004

Major League Baseball has announced that it will have “Spider Man 2” logos ON the bases during some games in June. Of course, this is beyond disgusting. But am I surprised? Of course not. Is this any different than anything else in this country, soon to be called Pepsi Presents The United Airlines United State Street Bank States of Comerica American Airlines America? MLB already resembles the first 15 pages of any major magazine.

I’m sure you’re all expecting from me some harangue or diatribe on the purity of baseball, on why this outrage is particularly nauseating, given what baseball is, and that I’ll just blame the money hungry fat-cat owners who don’t care about why people are fans and for exploiting their need and love for sports. Well, you’re wrong. You know who I blame? You- (well, not you, my well regarded friendsters)- the stupid American consumer. Not because of the environment, or exploited overseas labor, or fat kids eating fat chips in their fat schools, or any of that stuff. Simply because people are idiots, and they don’t care about quality.
It’s your fault that advertising works at all. Why do we need campaign finance reform? I’ll tell you why. Because those stupid fucking ads approved of by George Bush’s pet monkey Bubbles actually work. If people weren’t swayed by those ads, it wouldn’t fucking matter who had the most money to spend on them. If people made their choices about who is going to rule the world based on some semblance of rational criteria, commercials and staying on message and kissing crack babies would be moot. They actually had to stop playing all Schwarzenneger movies during the campaign, because he was getting too much, and therefore unfair, publicity. Stupid fucking people would actually watch Jingle all the Way or Twins and say, gee, that guy sure should decide whether resident aliens should receive welfare, or what to do with a sagging trillion dollar economy, or whatnot.

But that is not just a brief aside. All of it is your fault, for being so damn stupid. I don’t blame basball, or Arnie. Its not their fault that advertising works. It’s yours. Now, I’m no anti-capitalist. I like I-Pods, taco bell, and medicine as much as anyone. But you don’t need to give that up, for there is a simple way to defeat just the evil part of the machine. Wanna know how? Buy CVS brand shampoo and conditioner instead of Pert. Ever read the label? It has the same fucking chemicals. Not doing so is indicative of how superficial and label and status oriented all the stupid fuckers are. And then you can also have full, lustrous hair just like mine, enriched with pro-vitamins or lithium serum or whatever the fuck they put in there to make your hair addicted to it so you have to shampoo all the time.

So it’s not insulting to the game to have Spiderman on the bases. It’s insulting to you. Because they will spend billions of dollars just to have their stupid logo for their stupid movie on a base, because they know it’ll make you want to watch the movie, because they know you’re an idiot, and then Tobey Macguire can have his secret homosexual affair in a further away more guarded clandestine setting instead of my truly enjoying the one thing that I cherish above all else on this stupid planet. And it’s not Pedro’s fault, its not Bud Selig’s or Scott Boras’ fault. Its not even George Bush’s fault, or Andrew Carnegie’s, or Adam Smith’s, or Bill Gates’, or Condaleeza Rice’s, or Howard Stern’s, or Jerry Falwell’s, or Marilyn Manson’s, or South Park’s, or Michael Moore’s, or the NRA’s, FCC’s, CIA’s, OPEC’s, NATO’s or Bin Laden’s, or George Steinbrenner’s or Janet Jackson’s boobie’s. It’s yours, you stupid lazy shitheaded American consumers. Fuck you for ruining my game. Seriously, fuck you.