Wednesday, June 18, 2008

2004 ALCS Preview: Pray-Per-View

From the Archive:

October 10, 2004: On the Upcoming ALCS vs. the Yankees

[Please ignore the Messianic imagery. It was a very exciting time, if you recall. also, I really had a lousy time at Yankee Stadium a year earlier, during a certain game 7. see ]

Well, it's happening. And frankly, I don't think I can take it. It’s hard to imagine anything more exhilarating and trying than last year. From Pedro tossing Zimmer, to nelson and Garcia fighting landscapers, to Grady little and broken bat doubles, the gamut was run. But that was just a prelude. And I simply do not think I can take it.

Over the next week and a half, my screams will be heard, guttural howls emanating from places my soul doesn't even know about, in response to every pitch, ever sign shook off, every step shaded up the middle, every last little contingency that will forever change the face of the earth, and life as we know it.

I fully expect to be struck down by a Yankee fan at some point this week, when the angry mob hears me speak one too many truths, and out of hatred and fear of self- realization, must destroy me before I force them to look inside themselves, to see the evil burning within.

This week will be a true test of faith and devotion, one that'll make Job's treatment look like a manicure. A sox loss would be absolutely devastating. If they lose, I just don't know if I could bounce back. I will be suffering heart attack after heart attack, nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown, all week. Any and all ties to the outside world will be severed, I will be completely at the mercy of the epic battle god has seen fit to subject me to, for purposes of deeming me worthy.

I truly believe that we have the better team, and that we should, and deserve to, win. But then, Job didn't deserve what he got. And that was kind of the point. But his suffering was supposed to be rewarded, not merely a sadistic punishment. We are now at the point of judgment, at the point where for all time, suffering and loss are rewarded with eternal righteousness, and the sweet sweet reward. If we lose, I might very well be crushed, my suffering will have been in vain.

This has to be the year- we've never been in a better position. I simply cannot take more Yankee smugness, more favoritism from the proactive Satan against a complacent and negligent god, more evil in the world.

We humbly await your judgment.

I’m reminded of the 'problem of evil.' the problem runs, quite simply, as follows. Assume there is evil in the world. Is god willing to prevent evil, but unable? Then god is impotent. Is god able to prevent evil, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.

But the problem will be eradicated if we win. Because evil will be vanquished, and the long-suffering Israelites, awaiting their messiah, will be vindicated. We will not have suffered in vain.

We humbly await.

In my philosophy, I do not believe in substance, or objects. But now there is one object which concerns me greatly. And that is curt schilling's right ankle. We disposed of the literal and figurative Achilles heel of the red sox, Nomar "thanks beautiful" Garciaparra. But this problem has resurfaced, has been instantiated in another bit of human, all too human, too too sullied flesh. Curt’s ankle, the very fulcrum from which all his power and leverage is derived, is weak. He must muster superhuman strength, to spontaneously generate energy from within, to transcend the physical limitations of his mortality.

We humbly await.

Pedro must continue to find within the great temple a source of oil, though appearing to have run out, that will last for 8 wins, that will combust at 95 miles per hour.

Baruch atah Adonai, elohaynu melech ha-olum, biray piree ha-fastball

We humbly await.

Bronson cornroyo must continue his David cone impression, throwing backdoor sliders and curves with impunity against the evil minions. He must stand bravely, he cannot waver.

The red sox are our army, protecting our fragile Nation's gates against the onslaught of cold oppressive Yankee fascism. Our freedom and fun loving protectors must persevere against the bitter robotic efficiency of the Yankee death machine. They wish to impose their anti-individualist and plutocratic dogma on our democratic, creative and expressive team. They are Sparta, we are Athens. We must defeat their martial empire. The Yankees represent brutal tyranny. The red sox humanistic democracy. The future of the world is at stake.

It had to come down to this. That much was destiny. But for destiny to mean anything, it must guarantee the just future, one in which suffering is eliminated, and faith rewarded. We know that time is near; otherwise, the end is nigh.

We humbly await.

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