Showing posts with label amateur baseball. Show all posts
Showing posts with label amateur baseball. Show all posts

Friday, September 12, 2008

Brain in a Bat

It's hard to teach an intro to philosophy class without doing Descartes' search for the foundations of knowledge, which has him doubting everything including even the existence of the world outside his own mind, which he does by hypothesising an 'evil genius' who is manipulating his perceptions and tricking him into thinking the external world exists, but even if this skeptical scenario were so, the search ends happily because Descartes finally cannot doubt that he is in fact doubting, and as he's there to do all this doubting, and doubting is a species of thinking, he must, therefore, exist... but this semester I'm managing to pull it off. It's off the syllabus!

Why? If for no other reason, I'm sick of telling people its like The Matrix.

Or so I thought. Because now with no outlet for my 'what's really real?' shpiel, and because Thursday was an off-day, you're stuck with the following.

I sometimes play an antiquated baseball video game- High Heat Baseball 2004. Curt Schilling on the D'backs on the cover. I own no X station or whatever the kids use to simulate reality these days. No, it's a PC game. Apparently, these are virtually obsolete. The company that makes High Heat- 3DO- no longer exists (but did it ever really? Ooooh. Think about that.) And because no upgrade is available, I still use an old sputtering operating system because I'm afraid an upgrade will be incompatible with the game.

But that's neither here nor there. Which of course leaves it nowhere to be, which is to say, it doesn't exist. Or does it really? (See, I just have to get this stuff out of my system somehow.)

Anywho, the 2004 High Heat game has a 2003 roster (but being the active GM that I am, I've made a few tweaks.) So "I'm" the Sox, naturally, and I'm down 4-1 in the top of the 9th to Cleveland, Mark Wohlers of all people on the mound (I thought he was long gone by '03 too.) 2 down. Things look grim. But Varitek, in the number 7 slot, gets on. I'd long since traded Nomar because he kept popping up, and watching his feet move around in the box was distracting, so I picked up Jose Vizcaino to play short. He normally bats 8th. But Billy Mueller is on the DL, so I've moved up Vizcaino to the 2 slot- he's hitting a robust .320- and I've called up Shea Hillenbrand from his banishment to AAA to play third and bat 8th. But now in the 9th, and because he's an f-word, I pinch hit with Jeremy Giambi, who promptly slams a triple off the center field fence, 4-2. Next up is Timlin in the pitcher's spot- yeah, in this alternate reality, there's no DH- so I send up Trot to pinch hit- both these lefties were on the bench, by the way, as Sabathia started for the Tribe. And Trot laces a double off Wohlers. Still two out, tying run on second, the lineup turns over for Damon, who singles to right to tie the game! I ended up winning in extras, Scott Williamson coming in for the save.

When philosophers update Descartes' thought-experiment about the evil genius who tricks the mind into believing in the reality of the simulacrum external world, they talk of a mad neuroscientist keeping a brain in a vat, stimulating it with electrodes to simulate an external world that doesn't really exist. (Or does it? No.) These examples are terrifying, for, among other reasons, they stipulate an utter lack of control; one is held captive to the whims of some omnipotent and unknowable force, and any sense of control over one's life is entirely illusory.

But when do I have more control? When I watch a "real" Sox game on TV, or when I can manipulate the video game Sox on my computer? And doesn't that control make it "more real"?

No. It doesn't.

Thanks for reading. Maybe next semester I'll put Descartes back on the syllabus, and you won't have to suffer through this again.

Also, when I lose to the Yankees in the video game, I get absolutely furious. It takes me awhile afterwards to calm down. Doesn't the strength of my emotion make it real, as in "I just know it to be true in my heart'?

No. It doesn't.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

75 mph of pure goodness

From the Archive:

June 2004

Step right up! Come on in! Yes, folks, its that time of year…

See everyone’s favorite mustachioed philosopher/pitcher baffle the bats of Boston’s best brooding bumptious batsmen!

See the lanky right-hander crush the competition, amaze the opposition, foil his foes with his freezing, fascinating fatalistic fastball, twirling twelve-to-six curveballs, slippery slashing sliders, slick, slicing sluicing slurves, and chortling changeups!

See the sophomore sensation earn his doctorate in strikeouts as he battles Brighton, maligns Medford, conquers Cambridge, beats Brookline, assails Allston, and strangles and sodomizes Somerville!

Hear the whiffs as foes futilely flail at “Doc” Goldwater’s deceptive deliveries!

Taste the delicious dogs that, uh, you bring from home!

Feel the excitement, that, uh, comes from seeing amateur baseball played in a public park!

Yes, friends, come see exciting Yawkey League action this summer. The Yawkey League has been ranked the 9th best amateur league in the country by the National Semi-Pro Baseball Association. It’s perennial champion, Somerville Alibrandis, has been ranked the 15th best team in the country by the NSPBA.

The annual All-Star game is held at none other than Fenway Park, home of that other baseball team from Beantown! Come stuff the ballot box!

See childhood dreams realized!

So come on down, and watch me play! Tickets are free! In fact, they don’t exist!

You can follow all the action, get schedules, and field directions at yawkeybaseball.com. Look for me and my stats on my team’s page- the Brighton T’s Pub Mariners.

Too lazy for all that? Why not catch a game on the boob tube- Yawkey League games are often televised on Comcast Channel 8 in Boston.

Don’t have cable or a car or legs, you cheap lazy bastard? Find the results in the sports section of the Boston Herald and Boston Globe (we’re right there next to golf, horseracing and the WNBA)

So come find out what Sandy Koufax, Gabe Kapler and me have in common. Already know? Then see me in tight pants, with a funny old-fashioned mustache, trying to beat a bunch of Italians and Irishmen!

What could be more fun? Wait, don’t answer that.